ENCOURAGEMENT FOR PARENTS – DON’T GIVE UP! (part 2) . . .

“I didn’t know it was going to be this hard!!” . . . I’ve heard this from so many foster parents—especially from the newer ones—but I know that many of you have said the same thing. It’s one thing to try and help a child in need from the outside. But it’s a whole different ball game when that child is living with you. It’s the child who never sleeps. It’s child who tears up your house in the middle of a meltdown. It’s the child who is five years old and still not potty- trained. It’s the child who comes back home an emotional wreck after visiting his bio parents, and you have to spend the next three days doing damage control and putting the pieces back together. BUT, I also know that the overwhelming majority of you parents have a “calling of the heart” to live life in the trenches with these precious and broken children. So, I say again, DON’T GIVE UP! Continuing from my previous post, here are some more practical suggestions to help you to keep your sanity and to keep your joy in the journey:

1. Maintain your empathy for the child. This is especially important on the days that you love your child but don’t like her. Empathy is much more than sympathy—the latter of which is just feeling sorry for someone. Empathy is so much more—it’s reminding yourself of what your child has suffered through prior to coming under your roof.

Remember also that most bio parents are not malicious even though they can drive you crazy. They also need empathy (coupled with firm boundaries!), as they are usually just doing the best they can with the hand they’ve been dealt in life. They operate out of a lot of guilt.

2. Celebrate even the small victories. Your kid gets a “D+” in a class that he failed last quarter. Your little one learns how to properly wipe herself after using the toilet. You have visible proof that you little 5-year-old guy actually did brush his teeth before bed. Your 11-year-old learns to emotionally “catch” himself at the beginning of a meltdown

and is able to express his feelings instead of putting his fist through the wall (which is actually a BIG victory!)

3. Remember your SELF-CARE! I can’t emphasize this enough. I know it’s easier said than done. If respite is available, take advantage of it. Try your best to eat a healthy diet and drink plenty of water. (Water is brain food!). Practice some deep, easy breathing when you’re stressed (you can practice this with your child also when he is stressed). Deep breathing provides oxygen to the brain, thus helping us to think more clearly and rationally.

4. Maintain your sense of humor as much as possible. Laughter is medicine, and it releases multiple positive brain hormones & chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins, serotonin & oxytocin. Your child will sometimes say and do funny, off-the-wall things. You may not be able to laugh at some of these things in the child’s presence, but you can certainly laugh in private!

5. Finally, despite trying NOT TO GIVE UP, there may be a time where you have to make a tough decision. For safety reasons in the home, you may have to disrupt a placement. Or, because of the severity of his trauma and needs, your child may need a period of residential treatment for his own safety, and to get him regulated. Or, as is sometimes the case, you may have not been provided critically important background information by CPS/DFCS on your child, and you find out very quickly that you are in way over your head. Folks, having to make tough, often heartbreaking decisions DOES NOT MEAN that you have given up. It means that you are human. Give yourself grace in these times.

SOME ADDIITONAL PARENT—FRIENDLY RESOURCES: The Feathered Nest Blog (@the featherednestblog). An online Facebook community of over 64,000 members, supporting foster & adoptive parents.

•  “The Foster Parenting Manual: A Practical Guide to Creating a Loving, and Stable Home” by John DeGarmo. (the author is a veteran foster parent).

•  “Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control” by Heather Forbes and Dr. B. Bryan Post (Dr. Post was raised in the foster system and then adopted)

•  “Raising Kids with BIG Baffling Behaviors” by Robyn Gobbel