ENCOURAGEMENT FOR FOSTER PARENTS – DON’T GIVE UP!

Greetings readers!  It’s good to be back after my extended sabbatical.  I hope your summer is going well. 

I thought I would resume my posts by offering some encouragement to you.  This arises out of a Facebook post I recently read from a grief-stricken foster Mom after she and her husband had to disrupt the placement of their 8-year-old foster son.  It was their first-ever placement as foster parents, and the child turned out to be much more than they could handle.  I’m sure some of you reading can identify.  The boy was extremely physically and verbally aggressive and filled with self-hate.  The parents were dealing with a lot of guilt, as they we thinking and verbalizing about “What did we miss?”  “What did we do wrong?”  Again, some of you foster & adoptive parents have travelled this road before—maybe more than once. 

Readers, let me offer some encouragement--based in reality— from my discussions and Parent Coaching with a multitude of foster parents over the years.  They have shared a lot of practical wisdom borne from “in-the-trenches” parenting experiences with children who come into care from traumatic backgrounds.

1.     This first one may not seem encouraging, but it is reality.  The system (here is Georgia it is called The Department of Family & Children’s Services (DFCS for short) is chronically broken.  Caseworkers are woefully overworked, underpaid and under-trained, leading to a revolving door situation.  Their primary training & orientation involves department policies and “CYA” strategies (if you know what I mean).  I could write a book on this, but I’ll spare you.  HOWEVER—Despite the above, there are many, dedicated caseworkers and caseworker supervisors out there.  I’ve met them.  Parents, you just have to be aware that it’s a crap shoot as to what kind of caseworker you

will get.

2.     Don’t be a lone ranger!  Seek the input of veteran foster parents.  Join a foster parent’s support group.  Here in my state, we have the Adoptive & Foster Parents Association of Georgia (AFPAG), which has numerous county chapters with support groups and parent gatherings.

3.     It’s okay to be a squeaky wheel; but do it diplomatically.  Whether it’s advocating for your child at school for a 504 or IEP, educating your CPS/DFCS caseworker on our child’s issues or talking to your child’s pediatrician, remember that YOU are the expert on your child because he/she lives with YOU. 

4.     As much as possible EDUCATE yourself on your child’s condition, diagnosis, etc.  I highly recommend two excellent parent- and reader-friendly books, “The Connected Child” by Dr. Karyn Purvis & Dr. David Cross, and “The Connected Parent” by Dr. Karyn Purvis & Lisa Qualls.  Dr. Purvis & Dr. Cross are the co-creators of Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) which, in my 37 years of experience in the counseling & Parent Coaching field, I believe is the most practical approach to parenting children from traumatic backgrounds. ( Dr. Purvis was a former foster parent and Dr. Cross has “lived experience” as he was raised in the foster system).  For more info on TBRI, check out their website at child.tcu.edu. 

5.  I highly recommend a 6-hour video series called Hope For the Journey, sponsored by the Show Hope Foundation.  A new series is released every Apri or May, and it costs around $100.  Many churches offer it at a reduced cost and provide a public showing for groups of parents (which I recommend); or you can watch it at home.  It is not necessarily faith-based (although the Show Hope Foundation is),but is geared towards a general audience, regardless of faith background.  It is worth every penny! For more info, check out www.hopeforthejourney.org  or https://showhope,org. 

6. Finally, going back to my initial story about the distraught parents who had to disrupt a placement.  It is a hard and painful reality that disruptions sometimes happen despite the parent’s best efforts.  Maybe the parents were not prepared for a child with extreme behavioral needs; maybe the child will do better in a home where he is the only child, or where there are no bio kids; he may even need residential care for a period of time to get him regulated.  (I’ll talk more about these issues in my next blog.)  But above all, Dads & Moms, try your best not to give up!  You are desperately needed.

Thanks for reading!  More on this topic coming up soon . . .