HELPING OUR KIDS THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS (part 1) . . .

Some years ago, I was on staff at a residential program for older adolescents.  As was our tradition, we had a big Christmas party for them.  Our big common room was filled to capacity with gifts provided by generous supporters of the program.  The kids were overwhelmed with anticipation and excitement!  Before distributing the gifts, we all sang Christmas carols and our Director read the Christmas Story.  As the excitement built, I noticed a young lady—one of our residents—sitting off by herself with a distressed look on her face, her foot nervously bouncing up and down on the floor.  I had a good connection with her, so I slowly moved in her direction and sat next to her.  “Are you okay?” I asked.  She nervously replied, tears filling her eyes, “I can’t take this, Mark—It’s too much, it’s too overwhelming.”   As we continued talking, she shared with me that she’d never had a peaceful Christmas—in her family, the holidays were always filled with strife.  She didn’t know to handle a normal Christmas celebration, and for her, it was very anxiety-provoking.

We generally anticipate the holidays—especially Christmas—with much excitement and positive anticipation.  Such is not the case for many children who are separated from their biological family during this season.  Reports of an uptick in negative behaviors is common.  Here are some actual responses from adolescents in foster care regarding their thoughts and feelings about the Christmas holidays:

“It felt ‘wrong’ in a way to receive gifts.”

“I became really withdrawn around Christmas.”

“I spent a lot of time blocking it out.”

“I felt awkward and embarrassed. I felt a lot of hurt and pain.”

“My anger and bitterness got worse during the holidays.”

“I re-live the trauma every year of what happened with my bio parents around Christmas.”

It is true that many foster kids cruise through the Christmas season just fine.  For others, their excitement can quickly manifest into a lot anxiety, thus triggering isolation or behavioral outbursts.  Here are some helpful hints and approaches for adoptive & foster parents:

• For the parent/caregiver it all begins with awareness—be cognizant that “holidays equal happiness” may not be a part of your child’s experience.

• If necessary, don’t “go big” on the holiday hoopla.  Most foster care organizations get flooded with gifts for their children.  This is great, but parents/caregivers my need to ration out the presents, putting a few aside for a later date.  Kids can get overwhelmed with too much at one time, which can lead to holiday meltdowns.  Try to assess your child’s comfort level as you approach the holidays. 

• Ask your child if there were any fun holiday traditions in their bio family.  If so, ask the her if she would like to observe them.  Doing so may help your child/teen to connect with her feelings of loss in a positive way.

• If your child gets overwhelmed and is acting out, please remember to have empathy, understanding that his behavior may well be a manifestation of his grief.   Patiently wait for a “teachable moment” when he is calm to help him process his feelings at his comfort level. 

More to come in Part 2  next week . . .