THE TWO-LETTER “DIRTY WORD”—“NO!!” . . .

One of the biggest challenges for any parent is the response you may receive when telling your child “No.”  Given time—and a lot of patience and stick-to-itiveness on behalf of the parent--the child eventually gets the message that “No means No.”  However, this is much, much easier said than done with a child from a background of trauma who has a full-scale nuclear meltdown when hearing  “No, not now”, or “No you can’t do that.”  What makes the simple word “No” such a lightning rod for these kids?

Children entering foster care come from a background of chaos and fear.  Many of them have had to parent themselves as well as their younger siblings.  An inordinate number of these kids are given the label/diagnosis of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).  These are the kids who are ready to “die on any hill” when told the word “No.”  But what is behind this behavior? -- Primarily FEAR.  I know you may find that hard to believe.  But for an oppositional child, being out of control—even of seemingly small matters--l is the greatest fear in life.  He views the parental response of “No” through a mental megaphone.  Thus, his defenses go up, and he puts just as much energy into the process of arguing as he does the result/outcome of the argument. 

How do help our children to understand that “No” is a safeguard for them?  Here are some helpful hints:

• It begins with you, the parent, remaining calm.  If you are emotionally regulated and not primed for a fight, it helps your child to pick up on cues that you are emotionally and physically present.  Take a few deep breaths before you respond.  Don’t engage in the argument, and keep your words to a minimum.

• Give simple choices (no more than two at a time).  “We can’t do A, but we can do B or C—which would you like?”

• Give a “yes” answer with a condition—Instead of saying, “No we can’t go outside now, its pouring rain”, try, “Yes, we can do that as soon as it stops raining.”

• Remember that for many children from trauma backgrounds, the response of “No” was possibly followed by anger and even physical punishment by the biological parent.  Thus, when your child hears “No” from you, he can easily regress to a fight, fight or freeze mode. (For the oppositional child it’s usually the “fight” mode).

• Keep in mind that many children in foster care have a harder time with self-control than kids from traditional intact homes.  As one author states, they seldom have the “biological brakes” to stop an oppositional meltdown after it starts.  For them, controlling their emotional response to a parental “No” or “Not yet” is more of a “can’t” than a “won’t”.  Please understand, parents, that I’m not glossing over the child’s need to take personal responsibility for his actions.  However, solid research has shown that childhood exposure to trauma inhibits the areas of the brain that regulate emotions.  The good and hopeful news is that, the longer a child is in a safe, structured and nurturing environment, the greater the chances for his brain to heal.

In Part 2 of this blog, I’ll share some more practical approaches in parenting the oppositional child.  Stay tuned!