HELPING OUR KIDS THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS (part 2) . . .

12-year old Tori has been in foster care for six months.  Overall, she has been a compliant and pleasant child.  Typically an outgoing child, Tori’s foster parents noticed her becoming more withdrawn as the Christmas season approached.  She no longer wants to participate in family activities like their weekly board game night or watching a movie together.  She been spending more and more time alone in her room and became increasingly picky in her eating habits.  She has trouble sleeping and when her parents inquire about her changes in behavior and routine, she just replies, “I don’t know, I’m just tired.”

Elliott is 10 years old.  This will be his sixth Christmas in foster care, and his first in his current placement.  Child Services has always made arrangements for Elliott to spend time with his bio Mom during Christmas.  Not this year.  His twice-monthly visits with Mom were suspended this past summer due to her non-compliance with court mandates.  Elliott has been convinced that he will get to see his Mom again this Christmas, “since I’ve always gotten to see her at Christmas.”  When his caseworker informed him three weeks before Christmas that this would not happen, Elliott went into a rage.  He has since regressed behaviorally in many areas, with his foster parents describing his behavior as “almost unmanageable.”

As I shared in my previous blog, many foster and adoptive kids do well emotionally and behaviorally during the Christmas holidays.  However, like Tori and Elliott, some do not.  The combination of sensory stimulation and the intensified feelings of loss can be overwhelming.  For children experiencing their first Christmas away from their biological homes, foster and adoptive parents must be vigilant for the signs that their child may be having a difficult time.  Here are some additional helpful hints:

• Validate your child’s feelings.  Give him permission to talk, even if he is really angry.

• If you have a connection with the child’s birth parent(s), ask them what would you could do to help your child to enjoy Christmas (bio family traditions, rituals, etc.)

• Prior to Christmas, give your child advance notice and advance information about what you as a family will be doing and what family and friends of yours’ they will meet for the first time.  Advance notice can go a long way in alleviating anxiety.

• Place special emphasis on helping your child to feel welcome and “equal” to everyone else in your family and circle of friends.  Invite your child into conversations as she feels comfortable.

• Intentionally carve out some where you can just be with your child one-on-one.  The lets her know that she still matters and is important to you amidst everyone else involved in your life during the holidays.

From Adoptive Family Resources, Inc. to you and your family, we wish for you a Merry and Blessed Christmas!

Mark