THE “TWO-LETTER DIRTY WORD”, Part 2 . . .

It’s been awhile since Part 1 of this blog, but let me refresh our memories—The reader may recall my previous words about the oppositional child and his refusal to take “No” for an answer. As I shared, a typical child from an intact, healthy home may whine an drag his feet in response to a parental “No” to his request. However, for the oppositional child (who often enters our home from a background of trauma) a simple “No” response often elicits a major eruption, with the child ready to “die on any hill”, no matter how seemingly small the issue. “What’s the big deal in telling my foster child that he cannot have another cookie before dinner?” you ask. Well, it really is no big deal under normal circumstances—but as many of you readers already know almost anything can turn into a big deal when turning down a request from a child with a background of trauma and neglect. Let’s continue the conversation . . .

Why does “NO” sometimes (or often) trigger behavioral meltdowns?

• Your child’s oppositional behavior can simply a testing of your limits of tolerance. Many kids coming into care employed the “squeaky wheel” approach to get their bio parents’ to give up and give in.

• For some kids who have experienced extreme neglect, your “No” response may be

  interpreted as “Never.” Their interpretation of “No” as “Never” can quickly amp up

  their anxiety, which can easily result in an oppositional/behavioral meltdown.

• Children in care—especially younger ones—often have a deficit of emotional-language expression skills, which can make it really hard for them to verbally express sadness or disappointment.

• Sensory challenges/deficits are also common for children from backgrounds of

  deprivation. Any particular day when they’ve experienced sensory overload (or even a lack of sensory input) can cause their brains to be on a hair-trigger and primed for a fight.

  ”This is so complicated!!” you exclaim. Yes, it certainly is. A child from a background of trauma, neglect, abuse, transience, etc. is a complicated child with complicated

  challenges. Please keep your empathy front-and-center with your child, and keep your parental “tool bag” full of tools (mentioned in my previous blog) to respond.

Some great parent-friendly resources for you:

• “The Connected Child” by Dr. Karyn Purvis & Dr. David Cross (a note—Dr. Cross was raised in the foster system, and has lived experience)

• ‘From Fear to Love” by Dr. B. Bryan Post (Dr. Post was also a former foster child who was later adopted)

• Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control, by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post

  A note to readers—I will be on a sabbatical during the month of June, and my blog will return in July! ~Mark