Her Lying is Driving Me Crazy!!! . . .

Dr. Mark Andrews
Jan 19
3 min read

Have you ever said this about your child? Unfortunately, a fair number of you have! “Did you brush your teeth?”—“Yes Ma’am.” – But the toothbrush is dry. “Did you take your shower?” Yes Ma’am” – You heard the shower water running, but the towel & washcloth are dry. “Did you finish your homework?” “Yes Sir, I did.” –but the books are still laying on her dresser right where she left them after school. “Did you feed the dog?”—“Yes Sir.” “The why is his bowl empty?”—“I guess he must have ate it all pretty quick.”

Sound familiar? Although these may be mild examples—and children do lie about much more serious matters—it is often the accumulation of small lies that can make you want to tear your hair out. “He lies about things that don’t even matter!”—I can’t tell how many times I’ve heard this frustrating exclamation from the parents. It certainly can be maddening. In my experience with foster & adoptive parents, it’s often their number one frustration.

We all lied on occasion as kids. We typically did so to cover a previous lie or to buy time in order to delay the trouble we were headed for. Do children from traumatic backgrounds lie for the same reasons?—Yes, but often those kids who lie habitually are triggered by a deeper motivation just getting out of trouble. For many children in care, lying is a deeply ingrained behavior based in survival. In their chaotic and abusive homes of origin, many foster and adopted children were actually punished if they told the truth. Think about how crazy-making that is for a small child!—If you lie, you typically get your needs met; if you tell the truth, you might get a beating. As twisted as this sounds, it’s common in situations where the biological parents also habitually—and sometimes even pathologically lie. This is especially true in homes where drug & alcohol use/addiction are present. As I tell foster parents whose’ children lie

repeatedly—“After all, they learned from the ‘masters.’”

Addressing and responding to our kids’ lying requires a non-traditional, counterintuitive approach. Taking away privileges or sending them to their room is likely to just affect them like water off a duck’s back. Here are some non-traditional approaches that have helped parents deal with their children’s lying:

First of all, don’t panic. You must try hard not to show that you are upset or angry or taking things personally. This may require that you give yourself a brief time-out before responding.
Don’t ask “Why did you lie?” or say “This is something you don’t even need to lie about!” These statements are almost always fruitless. Instead, one approach—especially with children under 10—is to ask them to just taka a few seconds to be still while they consider this question: “Now think a little bit, are you sure that’s the way it happened?
Absolutely reward truth-telling! Play it up big. Let the child know that you are proud of him for telling the truth, and that he will never be punished for doing so. (In their chaotic, abusive homes of origin, some children have actually been punished for being truthful.
Remember that your child’s lying is often fear- and shame-based. Using traditional discipline for lying seldom works. Instead, you may want to respond, “It sounds like you’re having a hard time. Let’s see if we can help you get back on track.”

Always remember that children from non-typical (abusive, neglectful , etc.) backgrounds

require a non-typical, counter-intuitive approach to discipline.

Some helpful resources on YouTube: