In my previous blog I shared the story of seven-year-old Tori, who out of her personal grief and emotional turmoil, created a fantasy account of her early years with her birth parents. Despite the chaos and deprivation of their lives, Tori still dearly loves her birth parents. In my previous blog, I shared some reasons why children create birth parent fantasies. This week, I’ll share some “caution flags” that adoptive and foster parents need to watch for; as well as some practical approaches and responses to a child who is steeped in birth parent fantasy:
Some Caution Flags:
If your child has a difficult time distinguishing between fantasy and reality by the time he/she is seven or eight years old
If your child becomes consistently withdrawn (i.e. staying in his room a lot)
If your child becomes frightened over his/her fantasies
If your child’s fantasies interfere with learning or making real friends
If your child regularly talks about her fantasies (fantasy family) as he/she reaches
around 10 or 11.
Parental Responses:
Foster and adoptive parents, you need not worry or feel threatened by your child’s birth parent fantasies. Instead, you need to be informed and prepared to lovingly respond in one or more of the following ways, understanding that for your child, birth parent fantasies may be the only connection she has to her parents in their absence from each other. (This may be especially true if a TPR has been put in place and your child can no onger have contact with his/her birth parents).
Reassure your child that it’s okay to talk about her birth parents (regardless of whether you know your child is making up fantasies or not).
Do not try to dissuade your child form talking about aspects of her birth parent(s) even if you know what your child is saying is not factual.
Acknowledge to your child that she is loved by her birth parents and that you know that your child loves them very dearly also.
If contact with your child’s birth parent is not an option, find out if there are safe relatives or former caregivers that she would be allowed to connect with. This can give your child a sense of rootedness.
If you are parenting a child from a different race or ethnicity, expose her (if she’s
comfortable) to cultural activities connected with her ethnicity, or even connect her
with safe adults you may know of who are from her same race/ethnicity.
Above all, if you have concerns that your child’s birth parent fantasies are negatively affecting her sense of reality (socially, educationally, mentally/emotionally) seek the advice of a professional that has expertise in this area.
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